Pinko Commie Superbunker, Part 5/7

In which Katy refuses to give away any spoilers

Feb 14, 2025

Welcome to your latest episode of this humorous sci-fi movie. If you missed the previous episode, you can click there. If you don’t want spoilers, you may wish to start at the beginning, in which case, click there.

I have suddenly just forgotten entirely what happened in the previous episode, so I can’t give you a recap. It happens. I think there was something about building lots of superbunkers, and the POTUS was informed. There is an asteroid on the way apparently, after all. Unofficial Katy, our heroine from a different planet, is definitely up to something mischievous, and Nathan is becoming a little frustrated about the whole affair.

I found some more Pearl & Deans for you. Enjoy!

Ah - this one should definitely come with trigger warnings. Don’t say I didn’t provide them. And I’d definitely avoid Beefeater gin if I were you…

You’d simply never get away with any of that these days, eh. More’s the pity…

Anyway, back to the main feature.

Nathan and Katy continued to muck in, shifting boxes of books from Cali’s library into the trucks. Katy, annoyingly to Nathan, had that permanent smiling look of mischief about her. Nathan spent quite some time and not a little effort trying not to say something he might later regret.

It didn’t take long for his efforts to fail him. Katy was peering into one of the boxes and then scoffed at its contents.

“What are you disapproving of now?” Nathan huffed.

“Soft Sci-Fi.”

“Uh?”

“What’s in this box. I wouldn’t have thought Cali would be into all this stuff. Musk, sure. Bezos, definitely. But not Caligula Jones. He doesn’t strike me as the type.”

Nathan emitted one of his exaggerated sighs and attempted to glare at her.

“You seem tetchy,” she noted.

“Tetchy?”

“Tetchy. Any particular reason?”

“Oh well I couldn’t possibly imagine. Apart from the oh so tiny matter that my planet’s about to be vapourised by a bunch of patronising extra-terrestrials. Just that small thing, you know.”

“Patronising?”

“Patronising. Oh so superior. Hypocritical. I mean who do you think you are, anyway, the galactic police? What gives you the right to waltz around inflicting extinction level events on people?”

“You’re not a poor begotten people, you know. Besides, you brought it on yourselves. And furthermore, I’m just the messenger, so don’t have a go at me.”

“Well who am I supposed to have a go at, then? If not you? Where’s your leader? Take me to him!”

“Her.”

“Oh bugger off!”

She burst out laughing again. That just infuriated him even more. “What about all the other lifeforms? Those poor innocent creatures?”

“What other lifeforms?”

“On this planet! Or do you intend to magically insulate them from an ELE-asteroid?”

Katy sniggered.

Nathan wasn’t done yet. He’d been wanting to get this out for ages. “You don’t think it’s a bit harsh?”

“Harsh?”

“Harsh. Couldn’t you have come up with some, I don’t know, less messy method of teaching us a fascist lesson?”

“Messy?”

“Messy. Destructive. Like, I don’t know, a deadly virus or something to reduce our population to a more manageable level?”

“I think your dystopian bad guys have that well in hand. Besides, that wouldn’t work. You’d just segregate yourselves until the virus died out. Also,” she chuckled, “it’s not possible to develop a bioweapon that only targets neoliberals. There’s no genetic uniformity to them.”

“Is that supposed to be another one of your jokes?”

“Hmm. Kind of. I suppose.”

“Well, I think you’re the bad guys in this story. Fascists. Clearly, you’re the serious threat here, not us. Sure, we might have ICBMs and mobile artillery units and, and fractional reserve banking and the like, but they’re nothing compared to your own weapons of mass destruction. Asteroids, to be specific. Well? Stop laughing!”

She half stopped. “You are funny.”

“This is not a stand-up routine. I’m deadly serious.”

“Ok. Fair enough, darling Nathan. Here we go. You do realise, well, clearly you don’t, actually, but anyway. You do realise there’s a twist in this story, right?”

“You what?”

“A twist. You know, unexpected ending.”

“I know what a twist is. So what is it?”

“You don’t really want a spoiler, do you? Be honest?”

“In this instance, I’d love a spoiler. Instead of lugging around the world’s third richest man’s personal library.”

“Actually that’s good exercise. Plus, he’s nowhere near third place anymore, is he?”

Nathan looked askew at her. Something was, as it happened, beginning to dawn on him. “What do you mean?”

“The fact that you haven’t worked any of this out yet, well, don’t you think that’s precisely the reason all this is happening?”

“No. Do, please, enlighten me.”

She giggled. “It’s just basic psychology. Well, with a modicum of game theory thrown in for light relief.”

“Stop being cryptic. And stop your incessant feline teasing.”

“Well, you sort of hinted at it yourself. You know perfectly well we’re not fascist. And you mentioned all those other lifeforms. Which, from what I gather, you are endeavouring to preserve in various underground arks and seed banks and so on. Shows you do, deep down, actually care about your homeworld. Despite prior appearances. Anyhow. Did you really believe that we’re some mad, patronising, superior than thou xenocidal species? Really?”

“Are you saying there isn’t going to be an asteroid strike? Or it’s an illusion? Holography! That’s it! That’s the twist, right?” Nathan thought he had it. “It’s all some VR stunt, right? It’s not real, but we’re reacting as if it is.”

“And thereby learning the appropriate lessons, you mean?”

“Exactly!” Nathan had been prone to ebullient exclamations since he was a kid (after his pop’s departure, that is; it was a compensation thing).

“Sorry. But no. That’s not the twist. It’s not a phantom menace.” Nathan’s face fell. “It is, genuinely, a bona fide real asteroid. And it is on a collision course. Sorry.”

“But you said there was a twist! You’re a liar!”

She shook her head. “I never lie. Well, actually, sometimes I do. Depends which door I’m guarding.”

“Uh?”

Katy sighed. “Do I have to explain every pop culture reference?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. Well. It’s like when you’re playing D&D -”

“Do I look like I play Dungeons & Dragons?”

“I dunno. What does a typical gamer look like? A serial killer?”

“Well, they don’t wear suits for a start.”

“Oh yes they do. They’re the ones you have to watch out for. They’re powergamers. Anyway, it’s like that thing when you’re in a dungeon and you end up facing two doors, with two cryptic guards outside -”

“And one lies and one tells the truth. Yadda yadda yadda. Sure. Your point being?”

“About the twist. I’m not going to give you any spoilers. But,” she shot him one of her own serious looks, which by now he knew was his cue to actually pay attention, “if you can overcome your tetchiness for a mo and employ a little of the aforementioned game theory and psychology and think from our point of view, then you may well work it out for yourself.”

Nathan frowned. He wasn’t sure how to respond.

“Which,” she concluded, “is precisely the point.”

Nathan sighed again. Then shifted some more Asimov.

Eight months to impact…

“That was great, honey. Turn the radio on.”

“… Alex Jones at InfoWars DOT COM! Don’t go anywhere. Here’s the latest. Listen up, folks.”

“Do we have to listen to him, honey?”

“Hey, I like this guy.”

*sigh* “I’m going to the fridge.”

“…and now the unofficial cat’s out of the bag, folks. Or should that be Unofficial Katy Major? There, we said it. Astronomers at NASA have FINALLY confirmed impact day. Yeah. November 16, 2024. Just like she wrote. But that’s not all she wrote. But sadly, she doesn’t say exactly where. And she’s missing, rumoured to be hiding out with Mister Caligula Jones, world’s FORMER third richest guy. No relation. Unfortunately. Could’ve paid off my debt 150 times. Yes, we are OFFICIALLY under attack by ALIENS!! Word is the President’s gone to DefCon 1. But get this. Apparently, this was all mentioned in that Wow! signal, and you know what that means, folks? Yeah, you guessed it, it’s another cover-up. Didn’t I tell you? DIDN’T I?! SETI must’ve been sitting on this for 47 years. Why am I not surprised? Are you surprised? No, of course you’re not! You listen to this show every day. And thanks for that, by the way. At least I won’t have to pay back that billion bucks now, eh? Always a silver lining. Anyhow. Here’s some secret info. Middle Europe. That’s the safe zone. How do we know? Because that, folks, is where all those billionaires are building their superbunkers…”

“Honey! Honey! Get the travel agent on the phone! Honey?”

Katy came across Cali sitting alone again in his empty library. She sat down solemnly in one of the few remaining plush armchairs opposite him and waited for him to speak.

“I suppose you know what I’m thinking?” he said.

She shook her head. “That would be intrusive. In fact, it would be intrusive for me too. Hearing other people’s thoughts. It’s why most people unlearn their telepathy. Especially in big cities.”

“Makes sense. It’s the same with the sycophancy that comes with wealth.”

Katy smiled. “So how does it feel to be poor?”

“Actually, it feels liberating. But you knew it would, didn’t you?”

She nodded. “He who possesses little is so much the less possessed.”

“Quite. Besides, it was getting the first billion that was the exciting bit. After that it’s just a number.”

She pondered for a while. Then said, “And you did all the work for that, didn’t you? I mean, it was your own inventions that did it?”

“Yes. They just sort of popped into my head. Very strange.”

“Not really. It’s like the stories we insert into people’s heads. Good and evil and all that. Writers’ heads, I mean.”

“Please tell me they’re my own inventions. I wouldn’t be happy otherwise.”

“Sure. Of course they were yours. What I’m really saying is that interventions are far more subtle and nuanced and, well, largely unnoticed. They have to be, so a species doesn’t feel patronised. The idea of wiping out an entire planet with an asteroid, well, we try not to let it get to that stage. Catch a species young, that’s the trick.”

“Well, that explains the Hohlenstein Stadel.”

“Oh, you know about that?”

“Of course. I was researching it. Here.” Cali retrieved his tablet and pulled up the image. Discovered in a cave in what is now Germany. An ivory sculpture, somewhat damaged, but clearly depicting a female leonine figure standing on its hind legs. “Forty thousand years old, I believe?”

“Give or take.”

“Is that you?”

She smiled. “No, it’s generic, really. The very talented girl who did it took months over it. A single piece of ivory. To commemorate our first visit. Back when humans were lovely, and kind, and fun and trusting and curious, and with no fear of the other.”

“They weren’t scared of you at all?”

She shook her head. “Not at all. Fear, of course, is how the bad guys control people. A person who has no fear, can’t be controlled. When human beings are scared, they forget their better, true nature.”

Cali smiled, and put the tablet down. “Well, I’m very relieved to hear they’re my own inventions. I’m very proud of all those things.”

“And so you should be. Same as with all the superbunkers. 1500 of them, each populated by one of your many unique human cultures. And they will all survive, all that lovely variety. And I thought paying off Alex Jones’ debt was a nice bit of postmodern mischief. Now everyone thinks you own him. I salute you.”

“Well, it doesn’t go to him, of course. It goes to all those people he wronged. And being a conspiracy theorist yourself I thought you’d like that one. And he’s no relation of mine. Honest. Ah. Where are my manners?” He stood up and fetched two crystal goblets of Napoleon Brandy for them both. Then resumed his sitting. She savoured the aroma before trying it. Then a salute.

“Thank you for rescuing me from prison, by the way.”

“Pleasure. No one should ever be caged up. Especially not intelligent felines.”

She smiled, as warmly as the drink.

“Would you like to give me a spoiler?” he suddenly asked.

“Ah, I do like Nathan, he has spirit, but he’s really not cut out for spying.”

Cali laughed.

“But you want to know what we’re up to. That’s understandable. But are you sure you want a spoiler?”

He nodded.

“Hmm. Ok. Quite simply, everyone is going to react in accordance with their character. And be consciously aware of it, too. Self-realisation. It happens in all the best stories. My theory is that most people are inherently good. Because in ancient times, as I’ve said, bad guys would’ve been ostracised. That’s the true importance of Dunbar’s number. And so, when they think they are faced with impending destruction they will spend their last days with their friends and their families. People who were once estranged will seek reconciliation. People will apologise and be loved for it. Normal people will look after each other.”

“And the, what is it, 0.1%?”

“Something like that, yes. The normal people, the 99.9%, they’ll notice. All those bad guys, those dystopians, who are solely responsible for all the world’s ills are going to be revealing their true, selfish nature as a result of this threat. Unlike you they will not be saving others and they will not be giving away all their money. Simply on the off chance the asteroid-diversion thing will work. They think I’d try and trick them that way, and also that my species is ultimately benign and wouldn’t carry out a mass extinction event.”

“Which is true.”

“Which is true. All the other creatures on this planet are innocent, after all. But the point, of course, is that the entire world, the 99.9% of normal people, who are good and trusting like people used to be back in the ice age, will suddenly have their eyes opened to the true nature of the cause of all their woes. They will not be able to unlearn that, and they will no longer tolerate dystopia. Stories are one thing, but clearly our stories haven’t worked. Seeing will have to be believing. So no more corrupt and lying and selfish politicians. No more exploitation. No more raping the homeworld. No more war or racism or any of the rest of it. It’s that simple.”

“But you’re not expecting everyone to suddenly become raving communists, though?”

“I seriously doubt they’re ready for that yet. When they get fusion power, though, and the fusion torch, there’ll be no excuse not to have it.”

“The fusion torch being able to break down any matter into its constituent elements, you mean?”

“Exactly. Recycle anything. All that landfill. All those plastics. The cost of living will be negligible. No more commodities market. No competition for resources. Self-sufficiency for everyone. No more imperialism. No war. A multicultural world in which everyone respects each other and no one is scared anymore. That’s why they suppressed the funding for it. President Carter, that was. Around the same time as the Wow! signal. In my view it’s the greatest ever crime against humanity, and the planet. They should face justice for that, don’t you think?”

He rode a finger around the rim of the glass and narrowed his eyes. “Hmm,” he pondered, “be that as it may, I still think you’re up to something, though. You don’t mind?”

As per form, she answered with a little sly smile. “You know me very well by now, Cali. I’m always up to something…”