Pinko Commie Superbunker, Part 4/7
Twelve months to impact...
For the previous episode, Part 3, click there. If you’ve only just joined us and you want to start at the beginning, click there for Part 1.
You will continue to be happy to know I can dispense with the long intros. This is a very simple movie taking the almighty piss out of asteroid impact movies. Even though I like those movies.
However, there are times at the movie theatre when you need some refreshments, aren’t there? And that’s why you need ushers. Unfortunately, some nasty organisation hoovered up all those ushers and confined them into a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere that no one will ever discover. And then the house fell down.
And that was the fall of the house of ushers.
But! At least we still have this!
And now on with the show…
Twelve months to impact…
Briefing room. White House bunker. No Russian bugs (honest).
“You know the Brits are mighty peeved about all this. The new government was promising to crack down on dissident speech.”
“Can’t we just delay them a while? They’ll find out eventually.”
“I have a better idea, Mr. President,” one of his aides ventured.
“I’m all ears.”
“Let them in on it. Aside from anything else, superbunkers will keep them occupied.”
“Hmm. Fair enough. Anyhow, update me. How long, and where?”
“She says she doesn’t know exactly where. She said, and I quote verbatim here, Mr. President,” he read the rest from an amateurishly formatted transcript he pulled up on a tablet.
Unofficial Katy (F, late forties, southern English voice, darkly and suspiciously attractive): I do hope you’re not intending to hold me hostage or torture stuff out of me? We’ll definitely not alter the trajectory if you try that kind of thing.
Secret Service Guy (M, non-descript, obviously; sunglasses, obviously): I can assure you we’re not going to do that, Miss. But if you could at least tell us where and when it’ll strike and how to stop it, we’d be very grateful.
UK: Very glad to hear it. Well, presumably, or rather, predictably, you’ll be using your nuclear weapons to alter its trajectory, right?
SSG: Will that work?
UK: Possibly. I’m not a physicist. Maybe if you use all of them. How many you got, anyway?
SSG: That’s classified, Miss.
UK: Worth a try though, eh? Anyhow, that would alter its trajectory at least a bit so I really don’t know precisely where it’ll impact. Think of it as a time travel paradox, telling you the future so you make a different decision and all that. However, given that it’s your country, America, that we believe is the evil empire and the root of all the other bad neoliberal stuff -
SSG: Please get to the point, Miss.
UK: Then it’ll likely impact somewhere near your Capital. That’d be my choice. So if I were you, I’d triple-check your calculations.”
SSG: And that’ll work, will it?
UK: (Shrugs) I’m kind of curious about that myself. Presumably you’ll be doing the megalaser thing too, eh?
SSG: (Shrugs)
UK: Hmm. Well, it’ll be rotating, so if you hit the thing all in the same place early enough with enough force to increase the rotation speed then the centrifugal force would change and then, well, like I say, I’m a metaphysicist, not a physicist, so –
SSG: What?
UK: Then even just a few arc milliseconds alteration might make it miss by, I dunno, a few hundred thousand kilometres? Worth a try, anyway? What do you think, Cali?
Caligula Jones (M, mid-fifties, filthy richer than Croesus): (Shrugs; grins [think Jack Nicholson])
He closed the transcript and put his tablet away.
“So the nuke option is an option, then, according to the alien?”
“Seems to be. We’ve got our people working on those calculations, like she said. But the initial, erm, educated guess suggests it’ll still be the same day. November 16, 2024.”
“That’s what, a week after I get re-elected!”
(Shrug)
“Then we’ll spare no expense. Get me deodorant guy on the phone!”
“What about Bezos?”
“Nah. His rockets ain’t big enough…”
“Middle Europe?” Cali looked up. From the map, that is.
“That’s the safe zone, yes.”
“Except we’re talking Ceres, here?” Nathan butted in, anxiously, “That’s like, the largest asteroid in the solar system. In fact it’s like a dwarf planet. Nearly a thousand kilometres in diameter. Nothing would survive that.”
“Not if it was a direct hit, no,” Katy explained, far too calmly for her human interlocutors.
“So, you’re saying if we use all our nuclear weapons at the right impact point, it’ll miss?”
Katy shrugged. “I’m kind of curious to find that out myself.”
They both sighed out huge exasperated breaths.
“You’d have to use all of them, though, mind,” Katy added, not a little nonchalantly.
She was definitely in a mischievous mood (then again, isn’t she always?), and certainly enjoying herself. She had decided that if she wasn’t going to be not-even-watching The Event in a prison then instantly blinking back home then she was, at the very least, going to have fun staying on for a while to complete her observational mission.
Home could wait.
One of the many, delightful advantages of time travel, eh?
Ten months to impact…
“Ceres?!!”
“Ceres! How the damn hell did that happen? And why didn’t we notice before?! That’s the largest asteroid in the system! It’s 600 miles diameter goddammit!”
“Around 583.7, actually.”
“Don’t quibble with me! I’m the Director of Astronomy here! Get me NASA on the phone!”
NASA phoned the White House. The President pretended they didn’t already know.
The encrypted conference call was more about how long they could keep it from the public. Specifically, whether their own superbunker would be ready on time.
He phoned the Senator (Rep.) from Nevada.
“Now that,” Nathan stated the obvious, “is a damn big hole.”
Cali had other things on his mind. “Do you trust her yet, Nathan?”
“Absolutely not. Do you?”
“I’m not sure. But I’m certain there’s something she’s not telling us. So keep spending time with her and try and find out. Be nice this time. That’ll fox her.” Cali grinned.
“I’m always nice.”
“Sure. Still, I don’t know about this Middle Europe thing. And if it’s going to miss, what’s the point?”
That’s the point when Katy walked into the scene, peered tentatively over the edge. They should’ve known. “Why don’t you just ask me?” she ventured, “Nicely, of course.”
“Okay. What’s the point in all these superbunkers if it’s going to miss?”
She grinned. “Hmm. Well, predictably they’re planning on a combination of megalasers and nukes, right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, that’s surely gonna blow huge chunks off the thing, isn’t it?”
“Oh. I see.”
“Have you seen the Viagra, Honey?”
“Bathroom cabinet. But shouldn’t we have a drink first?”
*click*
“Good evening, campers! You’re listening to InfoWars with me, the eternally gruff-voiced Alex Jones!”
“Oh I like this guy! Now where the toot did I put that gin?”
“Now, listen up, America. I just got off the phone with my good buddy Tucker Carlson and he said he’s just been speaking to a guy who used to work for the C-I-A, yeah, you know the score by now, and that guy says there’s a reason why all those mult-eye-billioh-naires have been secretly constructing superbunkers! Yeah, you heard it here first folks. Superbunkers! Get that! Likewise, we NOW KNOW why SpaceX’s share price has been literally shooting the roof off. Yeah. So, stay tooned, America, because do we have an EXPLOSIVE show for you tonight. Aside from anything else, I’m down a billion bucks for shooting my own mouth off so I need the income. Apparently those superbunkers cost a WHOPPING hundred million a pop. Yeah! Maybe we could crowdfund. So InfoWars has been asking around, the usual suspects, and tryin’ to work out how much a ticket in one of these underground facilities might cost. Stay tooned to find out.”
*sound of ice tinkling into glass and liquid pouring – gulp; gulp*
“Sorry ‘bout that, folks, gotta calm the old nerves. This is, indeed, THE BIG ONE!! Like I’ve been sayin’ for, how long is it now? Can’t remember. Anyway, there is DEFINITELY a conspiracy to hoodwink the American public. I am NOT cryin’ wolf. Honestly. I’m not the Wolfman here. Word from our man in Area 51 says hey, Alex, whatever you do, don’t look up! Ha ha. Well as you can imagine, I did not like the tone of his laughter. Whad’ya mean, bud, says I? CERES!! He replies. CERES!! Go find an astronomer. He’ll tell you! So, looks like all them preppers were onto something. Okay, we’ll be back right after these expensive messages…”
*Tinkle, tinkle. Gulp, gulp.*
“…So remember, for a long life and a happy marriage, choose Pfizer!”
“I told you the Viagra’s in the bathroom cabinet, honey! Now turn the radio off and come to bed, will you? I can’t stand that guy…”
“You’re listening to Alex Jones InfoWa -”
*click*
Nine months to impact…
Katy found Cali in the library, wistfully inspecting his collection. He looked a little dewy eyed. She stood in the doorway and watched for a while, sensing his thoughts. She wondered whether he was in danger of growing a conscience and becoming a good guy.
She decided she liked that. She decided to help him along.
She coughed gently. He turned around. “Oh. Didn’t see you there.”
“You don’t mind my interrupting?”
“Not at all. Drink?” He motioned to one of the plush armchairs.
She took a ridiculously expensive Armagnac.
“I have an idea for you, if you want to hear it? Think of it as an investment.”
“Hmm. Go on.”
“This billionaire philanthropy thing. Given that in order to become a billionaire in the first place you need to have a little ruthlessness and, erm, unenlightened self-interest, shall we say -”
“Ouch.”
“Sure. But the philanthropy thing is about investing in soft power, isn’t it?”
“Hmm. I guess.”
“Well, I think we can both agree that your money isn’t going to be worth Jack after The Event, is it?”
“I guess not. There probably won’t even be money. You’re saying I should just give it away? So everyone can party like it’s 1999?”
“Well, maybe some of it for that, not a bad idea. Bread and circuses and all that. But no, I was thinking more about superbunkers. Nathan said you estimated the cost at around a hundred million, yes?”
“Yep.”
“And you have, what, around 150 billion?”
“Give or take.”
“So I make that 1500 superbunkers. Multiplied by 150 people each that’s, what?”
“Two hundred and twenty-five thousand. Oh.” Cali’s mouth opened unconsciously.
“Whatever you do with any change you have left over is your call, although an end of the world party fund might be endearing. You could get R.E.M. to play.”
“I like it!”
“Furthermore, in order to protect yourself, and us, for that matter, you should build them all over the world. And make sure no one knows which one we’ll be in until, say, a few days beforehand. Unless you want to leak that bit earlier, too?”
He leaned forward with his drink, suddenly comprehending the importance of being earnest, “Now why would I want to do that?”
Katy didn’t answer, just raised the crystal to her lips and blew one of her sly smiles over the top…
Next episode next week…
In the meantime, there’s always the like, comment and share options for you. Those are great options! Trust me on that one. It’s my birthday on Monday…
im actually urging the asteroid to speed up
So much wordplay! So little time until BOOM! Reminds me of the 'Don't Look Up' president scenes with Ms Streep. And the REM song; the Important Ernest riff; the giant ED tablets! I could go on and on...