So shockingly horrible. But there was a notion in the world way back when that children wouldn't remember trauma unless reminded of it, and that it was best not to stir it up. Of course, that only protected the abusers. At least the "professionals" have finally decided that it is best to let children talk about it. I still have a few demons living inside my brain's basement that might not be alive still if the grownups hadn't decided to pretend that nothing had happened. Poor Evelyn. Despicable child abusers.
Thank you Jeannine. And I think you are quite right about how it’s time children (and when they are grown-ups) were able to talk about it. It was indeed the suppression in years gone past which allowed it continue. That was certainly true in my case.
I’m not sure you read a bit some while ago when I mentioned that I did get one of them prosecuted and convicted - I think that was something of a turning point for me. I used to have these recurring nightmares about being hunted, but once he got convicted they suddenly stopped.
So, yes - trauma does need to be processed.
And I am finding that writing about it, perhaps sharing some of it, and creatively turning it into a story really does help.
If I can relieve your mind a little, even though every incident in the story is a real memory, some of the embellishments I mentioned are what I might call the 'severity' of it. Those embellishments are absolutely true as a part of the child abuse network, but I've come to realise I was probably on some kind of periphery of it. And so I did not suffer as much as others.
Still terror, though. Plus the fact that whatever else happened I have zero memory of it. Which is probably just as well.
no matter how much or little of it is actual events its utterly harrowing and the way you have relayed it as a feverish stream of half remembered grimness is deeply effective and quite a challenge to read in view of the relentlessness and repetition of themes underlying the horror of repeated abuses on you and other children.
Its quite a remarkable piece of work, trying to be objective about it, which is really difficult and also somewhat understates the magnitude of what it actually is.
Another thank you for you Nick. I was thinking you of all the people I know, being the resident expert on writing horror stories (I mean that sincerely, by the way), would be able to tell me what you thought of the way it was written in a sort of literary sense. So your feedback is really important for me.
And yes, the fact that it is genuinely based on real-world stuff is what makes it shocking. This is not to say stuff that is obviously not real-world doesn’t have any worth - of course it does - just that people’s psychological reaction is different.
But I am definitely so very, very happy that you loved the writerly aspect of it. Me and Ali today were discussing whether I could turn this into a longer story, or even a novel, and of course it would be worth it, because it would be based on real stuff. In particular the aspect that doesn’t really come up in this story/sketch version is the ‘cover up’, which is where the psychologists and the ‘compensation lawyers’ come in. In fact there is an entire industry involved in the perpetual cover up, and the more one learns about it, the more disturbed one feels. That’s the real scandal, and the real horror - when one realises just how far up this goes.
And like I said, once you have learned it, you cannot unlearn it.
And now I am feeling so totally guilty because it’s your wedding soon! You shouldn’t be thinking about any of this stuff. Well, just know that I got one of the fuckers prosecuted and convicted, and I am doing very well now. So don’t worry about me. Like the ending of the story - I win. And we all win, when we love. It’s that simple, in the end.
it really deserves a more thorough response - as I said - its hard to put on a critiquing head on when you know what this is about and you have developed a friendship and sincere fondness and respect for the writer.
I think its most effective aspects are, however, trying to be dispassionate....
the repeated themes
the inescapable logic of the " a seven year old cant make this up" - it is punch in the face to the liars and abusers that gloss over it
the poetic structuring
the fractures in the grammar that resonate like the fractured minds and memories and lives
the returning to the same places again and again - not just repetition - its more than that its like a broken loop, like cracked record jumping back to the start, its memories that cannot be drowned out and the hurt that is always there.
the key images of the hung up boy and the gap in the wall got to me the most I think.
it is a very difficult thing to read - it was unbearably sad Evelyn. deeply affecting.
I am just about to go to bed ironically, but I am really grateful for all these words of yours.
I would say you’ve picked up on all the important aspects, both in terms of style and substance, which I was trying to do/convey.
And yes, for me one of the most striking bits is the ‘7 year olds don’t make up stories like that’. I think in terms of human psychology when we hear about ‘horror’ affecting children it affects some deep, visceral part of us. Not that adults don’t also deserve our care, but you know what I mean.
Ironically, in the trial of one of my abusers the defence barrister (this is where that reference comes from) did try and convince the jury that ‘it’s all just stories that 7 year olds make up’. Fortunately, the jury didn’t fall for it. And so he was found guilty. That for me was one of these profound turning points.
Obviously in this short story version, I can’t really have it ending like that. Maybe for the ‘long novel version’. I think it needs to be told, though. For sure.
Anyway, now I really am off to bed. I’m so sorry if I upset you in this what should be a lovely week for you. I’m fine, really. Have a big wedding hug.
You survived, so you do indeed win. But I so wish there was a way I could go back in time to save you as a child. I'm so sorry you had to experience the terror.
This was devastating to read, and I mean that with the deepest respect. I want you to know that I felt every line. I wish I could go back in time and shield the child in you from ever needing to write this
Thank you Hana. One big part of me is thinking if I write about it it's like an exorcism and I can wake other people up to the real horror that rules this world. And if enough people know, then it will stop.
Most so-called 'horror' stories are a misdirection, because everyone knows it's not real. Then they can go back to sleep again.
One of the reasons I can't really write horror is because I feel that people will resent me for showing them something which is real and which they can never unsee. And they also think they can't do anything to stop. So they might blame me, as the messenger, rather than the perpetrator.
I am so grateful to you for reading it and for liking and for understanding. Thank you.
oh my good god.
😬
really don't know what to say about this. not at 3am.
need to sleep and think on it.
Terrible. terrible. 😱
So shockingly horrible. But there was a notion in the world way back when that children wouldn't remember trauma unless reminded of it, and that it was best not to stir it up. Of course, that only protected the abusers. At least the "professionals" have finally decided that it is best to let children talk about it. I still have a few demons living inside my brain's basement that might not be alive still if the grownups hadn't decided to pretend that nothing had happened. Poor Evelyn. Despicable child abusers.
Thank you Jeannine. And I think you are quite right about how it’s time children (and when they are grown-ups) were able to talk about it. It was indeed the suppression in years gone past which allowed it continue. That was certainly true in my case.
I’m not sure you read a bit some while ago when I mentioned that I did get one of them prosecuted and convicted - I think that was something of a turning point for me. I used to have these recurring nightmares about being hunted, but once he got convicted they suddenly stopped.
So, yes - trauma does need to be processed.
And I am finding that writing about it, perhaps sharing some of it, and creatively turning it into a story really does help.
If I can relieve your mind a little, even though every incident in the story is a real memory, some of the embellishments I mentioned are what I might call the 'severity' of it. Those embellishments are absolutely true as a part of the child abuse network, but I've come to realise I was probably on some kind of periphery of it. And so I did not suffer as much as others.
Still terror, though. Plus the fact that whatever else happened I have zero memory of it. Which is probably just as well.
no matter how much or little of it is actual events its utterly harrowing and the way you have relayed it as a feverish stream of half remembered grimness is deeply effective and quite a challenge to read in view of the relentlessness and repetition of themes underlying the horror of repeated abuses on you and other children.
Its quite a remarkable piece of work, trying to be objective about it, which is really difficult and also somewhat understates the magnitude of what it actually is.
people need to be imprisoned.
Its incredible you can write about it at all.
😪
Another thank you for you Nick. I was thinking you of all the people I know, being the resident expert on writing horror stories (I mean that sincerely, by the way), would be able to tell me what you thought of the way it was written in a sort of literary sense. So your feedback is really important for me.
And yes, the fact that it is genuinely based on real-world stuff is what makes it shocking. This is not to say stuff that is obviously not real-world doesn’t have any worth - of course it does - just that people’s psychological reaction is different.
But I am definitely so very, very happy that you loved the writerly aspect of it. Me and Ali today were discussing whether I could turn this into a longer story, or even a novel, and of course it would be worth it, because it would be based on real stuff. In particular the aspect that doesn’t really come up in this story/sketch version is the ‘cover up’, which is where the psychologists and the ‘compensation lawyers’ come in. In fact there is an entire industry involved in the perpetual cover up, and the more one learns about it, the more disturbed one feels. That’s the real scandal, and the real horror - when one realises just how far up this goes.
And like I said, once you have learned it, you cannot unlearn it.
And now I am feeling so totally guilty because it’s your wedding soon! You shouldn’t be thinking about any of this stuff. Well, just know that I got one of the fuckers prosecuted and convicted, and I am doing very well now. So don’t worry about me. Like the ending of the story - I win. And we all win, when we love. It’s that simple, in the end.
it really deserves a more thorough response - as I said - its hard to put on a critiquing head on when you know what this is about and you have developed a friendship and sincere fondness and respect for the writer.
I think its most effective aspects are, however, trying to be dispassionate....
the repeated themes
the inescapable logic of the " a seven year old cant make this up" - it is punch in the face to the liars and abusers that gloss over it
the poetic structuring
the fractures in the grammar that resonate like the fractured minds and memories and lives
the returning to the same places again and again - not just repetition - its more than that its like a broken loop, like cracked record jumping back to the start, its memories that cannot be drowned out and the hurt that is always there.
the key images of the hung up boy and the gap in the wall got to me the most I think.
it is a very difficult thing to read - it was unbearably sad Evelyn. deeply affecting.
I am just about to go to bed ironically, but I am really grateful for all these words of yours.
I would say you’ve picked up on all the important aspects, both in terms of style and substance, which I was trying to do/convey.
And yes, for me one of the most striking bits is the ‘7 year olds don’t make up stories like that’. I think in terms of human psychology when we hear about ‘horror’ affecting children it affects some deep, visceral part of us. Not that adults don’t also deserve our care, but you know what I mean.
Ironically, in the trial of one of my abusers the defence barrister (this is where that reference comes from) did try and convince the jury that ‘it’s all just stories that 7 year olds make up’. Fortunately, the jury didn’t fall for it. And so he was found guilty. That for me was one of these profound turning points.
Obviously in this short story version, I can’t really have it ending like that. Maybe for the ‘long novel version’. I think it needs to be told, though. For sure.
Anyway, now I really am off to bed. I’m so sorry if I upset you in this what should be a lovely week for you. I’m fine, really. Have a big wedding hug.
You survived, so you do indeed win. But I so wish there was a way I could go back in time to save you as a child. I'm so sorry you had to experience the terror.
We haven't won.
Yet.
Please keep working on winning, then.
F'g brilliant my Evie - well done you. Better out than in - and that's just the 1/2 of it
This was devastating to read, and I mean that with the deepest respect. I want you to know that I felt every line. I wish I could go back in time and shield the child in you from ever needing to write this
Thank you Hana. One big part of me is thinking if I write about it it's like an exorcism and I can wake other people up to the real horror that rules this world. And if enough people know, then it will stop.
Most so-called 'horror' stories are a misdirection, because everyone knows it's not real. Then they can go back to sleep again.
One of the reasons I can't really write horror is because I feel that people will resent me for showing them something which is real and which they can never unsee. And they also think they can't do anything to stop. So they might blame me, as the messenger, rather than the perpetrator.
I am so grateful to you for reading it and for liking and for understanding. Thank you.
The real stories are the worst, but I never look away. We have to know aboht them, on some level, otherwise, how can we learn?
I really hope this has helped you process things.
It has helped, yes. It’s one of the great things about writing. Especially as when you are the writer, you are in control, for a change.
I'm glad you liked it. Thanks!