Pinko Commie Superbunker, Part 7/7
...and I feel fine!!!
Welcome to the final part!!! If you missed what’s been happening then you could start at the beginning if you like. All you need do is go back to the cinema lobby and purchase a ticket for the next showing. Or I guess you could just click that link.
If you missed the previous part, then that’s the click bit right there.
In that part, the President and all his men had a game of real life asteroids and organised the global public-private partnership (that’s the evil globalist cabal, to you and me - think Davos, with an extra ‘r’ in the middle) to thermonuclear bomb and megalaser the crap out of the asteroid. Well, they were successful! Ceres will definitely be passing by the planet at a distance of around 200,000 miles, give or take.
So how come our heroes are still skulking in their specially designed superbunker?
Well, that’s because Katy’s species is renowned throughout our galactic sector for their infallible mischief (it’s a feline thing, you know), and, well, there’s always a twist in these sorts of movies, eh? Yeah, you know there is.
Anyway, I have dutifully found you an amusement for the latest intermission, which you can view here. This one’s got the Zulu Silk Cut one.
Then, albatross-flavoured choc ices to the ready, it’s on with the final act.
“…DOT COM! Well folks, it’s confirmed! I just got off the phone with another guy from the C-I-A and he says Alex, you’ve known me for a long time so you know I’m on the level and it’s all true, the military-industrial complex is definitely churning out thermonuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow. The reds are doing the same. Hell, so’s Israel, so’s the Brits and the French, the Indians, the Pakistanis AND the North Koreans! If I were you I’d go buy stocks in Raytheon and Lockheed and Boeing and all the rest of them. So, folks, there you have it. And you know what? I’m VERY HAPPY!! Surely you can’t be serious, Alex? Why are you happy? BECAUSE the BAD GUYS are reverting to type, that’s why! And you know what that means? It means CONSPIRACIES GALORE, baby! Yeah. So I am back in business and unlike Unofficial Katy I do not run away when the going gets tough. No I do not. So no need to worry about me. I am not going anywhere.
Now listen to these expensive messages…”
“Honey? Did you hear that?”
“Oh dammit. That’s not good.”
“What isn’t, honey?”
“It turned blue!”
Two weeks till impact…
By this time, most people down in the superbunker weren’t really paying much attention to the outside world. Some of them still watched the news, however. Although social media was read-only, which sort of defeats the point.
Cali and Nathan had frowns on their faces when Katy entered. The TV got switched off.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” Cali said, “but I don’t think your plan is quite going the way it was meant to.”
“Oh?” She sat down across from him.
“Seems like the initial euphoria has worn off. Friends and families and communities are reverting to form and all those reconciliations have broken down. Politicians are still being, well, corrupt, and it looks like the President’s heading for re-election. There are rumours he’s going to start rebuilding the nuclear arsenal. And other peace treaties aren’t looking so good either. Plus most people think you’ve run away.”
“Ah,” she smiled, “you’re worried about the parallel world thing, right? Different decisions being made?”
“Sorry about that.”
“Not at all. Think of this as plan B.”
“So what was plan A?” Nathan butted in.
“Well, I was supposed to be in prison at the behest of the bad guys, you know, the British Establishment, when Event Day happened. Except it wasn’t going to be anything as drastic as an asteroid. It would just have been another one of those SETI radio messages. But at the time that I said it would happen. And we wouldn’t let them cover it up. So the bad guys look bad, everyone starts taking me seriously, then there’s a socialist revolution. Easy.”
“What time did you say it would happen?”
“Same time as in plan B. 16 November 2024, 11:26 UTC precisely. So that’s 03:26 where we are.”
“That’s when Ceres will be making its closest approach,” Nathan pointed out.
Katy grinned. “Yep. Neat, huh?”
“I suppose,” Cali mused, “there’s a certain poetry in it. I’ll give you that. Except this time everyone thinks you’ve run away.”
“Well, Nathan can answer that one for you.”
“I can?”
“Yes. You don’t like being patronised, do you? No one does. So now people won’t hold my species in such high esteem and, consequently, humanity will make their own decisions.”
Nathan frowned again. “That doesn’t sound patronising. Not patronising at all.”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“What do you think?”
“Well, in a hundred and nine, or is it eight, I can never remember, years from now the descendants of all the superbunker people will come and see us at Alpha Centauri in their fusion-powered toroidal habitat thing and they’ll get to see the whole story. Then they’ll like us again.”
“I think they’ll be pissed,” Nathan suggested.
“How so?”
“Er, because you tried to wipe us out with an asteroid?”
Cali decided on a little diplomacy. “Anyone for drinks?”
“Yes, please,” Katy said abruptly, “But I get the final word. Unlike down here, and in all the other 1499 superbunkers, where everyone has rediscovered their true nature and adapted perfectly to communal life, up there it’s pretty darn clear that everyone has simply gone right back to business as usual.”
“Your point being?”
“So much for humanity.”
Six days till impact…
“Maisie?”
“Hi Jane! Yeah! Well, six days to go until Ceres and its gorgeous tail makes its closest approach and guess what?”
“What?”
“It’s gonna be a full moon too!”
“Wow! That’s gonna be a real cool sight, Maisie!”
“Oh sure thing, Jane! Don’t even need to tell you how to see it – just look up! You can’t miss it!”
“But it’s not going to collide with the moon, is it? I mean we’ve been hearing some strange predictions lately?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that, Jane. Don’t believe a word of what those amateur astronomers are saying. Trust the Fact Checkers! The networks have spoken to literally thousands of well-funded professional astronomers and they all say the same thing. Nothing to worry about.”
“Well, that sure makes me feel a whole lot better, Maisie. So, how’s the weather?”
“So what, exactly, is gonna happen, Admiral?”
“Well, Mr. President, we’re not entirely sure.”
“Whadda ya mean, not entirely sure? I want answers! I just got re-elected! What am I supposed to tell the Great American Public?”
“I say don’t tell ‘em, Mr. President. Standard protocol. There’ll be civil unrest and the whole fabric of society will break down. Et cetera.”
“May I interrupt here?” Another aide pipes up.
“Go ahead.”
“We still have all those superbunkers in Middle Europe, right? And according to the radar track, that’s where that alien woman went, with her patron, Caligula Jones.”
“You’re saying she knew this would happen, and didn’t tell us?”
“I think we have to assume that, Sir, yes.”
“So, what’s gonna happen to the moon!?”
“Well, what is going to happen?” Cali’s look told Katy he did, this time, want a straight answer.
“You want the twist, now?”
“That would be nice. Just to put my mind at rest. You know.”
She smiled. “Ok. Well, the moon will be knocked out of its orbit.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” Nathan joined in, somewhat concerned.
“Obviously,” Katy continued, with no hint of anxiety whatsoever (she hoped they’d notice – they didn’t), “if the moon crashed into the planet then it’s game over. And we love this planet, and all the lifeforms who dwell on her, so we wouldn’t do that. That should be obvious.”
“So, what is going to happen? Fragments from that tail lashing down all over the planet?”
“Well,” Katy chuckled again, “it is a rather lovely tail, isn’t it?”
Cali sighed pointedly. “You do like your suspense, don’t you?”
“Meds cabinet, honey.”
“…It’s definitely gonna hit the moon, folks. At least that’s what the CIA think. Notice how quiet they’ve been? There hasn’t been a conspiracy for a whole week! And the President is DEFINITELY not on the golf course. And they turned off public air traffic control access so we can’t track where any of those rich peoples’ planes are heading. But I’m guessing it’s Middle Europe. Why, because that’s where Unofficial Katy is. And her species does time travel. I’m here with an amateur astronomer who we’re gonna call, erm, I dunno, what do you want us to call you?
Marlon. You know, like Brando.
Ok, Marlon. Go ahead. What’s gonna happen?
The moon’s gonna wobble a bit.
But it won’t be knocked out of orbit? That would be, like, bad, wouldn’t it?
Very bad. Sure. But I’d say there’s only, like, a 1 in 50 million chance of that.
I’ll take those odds. So, what’s gonna happen?
Best guess, the wobble in the moon’s orbit changes the gravity so the fragments in the tail start raining down on us. But it’s impossible to say where.
How many fragments in that tail?
Seventy-eight.
What?! Seventy-eight?
That’s right, Alex, and each one’s a few kilometres across, apart from fourteen which are, erm, pretty much the same size as the Chicxulub impactor. That’s the dinosaur one, in case you were wondering.
Are you saying these interstellar cats killed the dinos too…?”
“Got ‘em honey. Ready?”
“Sure thing! Turn the radio off.”
“1 in 50 million, Alex…”
*click*
The President, and all his men, did not use Air Force One. They knew that would be tracked, so they sent it in the other direction.
All the other corrupt and venal politicians and all their men did similar.
All those predatory neoliberals, all those billionaires, all of them. All gathered together in the middle of Europe, a hundred metres, give or take, below ground.
Contrary to popular belief, however, Middle Europe was curiously not on the list of locations recommended to Caligula Jones by a certain unofficial advisor. All 1500 of them would’ve appeared somewhat haphazard and random to a casual observer, except for a curious fact that all of them were at least one hundred and fifty metres above sea level.
Six hours to impact…
Three hours to impact…
“Can we get a peek at their space station, Cali?”
“Yep, let me just adjust the camera here…”
“Woah! Nice one. Centrifugal force, three rings. They must’ve been constructing that for years.”
“I’m sure I heard deodorant guy talking about your books once. And I did beat Bezos to the movie rights, remember?”
“Oh, yeah. So, what’s the diameter of that thing?”
Cali tapped a few commands. “76 metres. And it’s spinning at, hmm, 3 times a minute.”
“Von Braun would be proud.”
“Martian gravity, of course.”
“Uh-huh. What a shame, though, eh?”
“At least they get the best view…”
One hour to impact…
“So that’s where you are! Ok. I’ve had enough of this suspense,” Nathan suddenly erupted through the door. “If you don’t tell me -”
“- ok, fine. I just wanted to make sure that all the bad guys got to their appropriate positions. But look, it’s got Elysium written on the rim.”
Nathan hadn’t even noticed the big screen across the entire wall. Part of him thought they were playing a game again.
“Is that who I think it is?”
“Yep.”
“What’s going to happen to them?”
Cali turned to Katy, raised his eyebrows a little, and threw her a look that suggested that now really was the time to put everyone out of their suspense and well, just spill the beans, please.
And so she took a big sigh, and began. “Ceres is going to impact Selene at exactly the right place with exactly the right velocity and force to knock her out of orbit and back into her original, quasi-satellite position, taking all those beautiful tail fragments with her. She’ll be following Danuih around Heliona by, maybe a month or so’s distance behind.”
“Erm, you said ‘original’ quasi-satellite position?”
“Sure. Don’t you think it’s a bit of coincidence that you have a satellite that large which just ‘happens’ to be the perfect size and relative distance to give you precise solar eclipses? I think she’s lovely, actually. Don’t you?”
“What other mischievous things have your species been doing with our solar system? I think we need to know.”
“We’ll have lots of time for that. The children are already loving my stories, aren’t they?”
“Hmm. Ok. So, what effect is that going to have on the planet?” Cali asked.
“Axis tilt.”
“What?”
“Axis tilt. And guess where the new north pole is going to be? Buried under two miles of ice, of course.”
And that’s the point when they both, uncontrollably, burst into total and utter laughter.
There really was nothing else for it, in the end…
One minute to impact…
“…I’d hold onto something, if I were you. It’s going to be a very bumpy ride. There’s going to be a massive sudden gravity shift. Like on a child’s roundabout, you know. Centrifugal force and all that. So there’s tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanoes going off everywhere, huge sea level rises and oceanfalls, no more Antarctic ice, Atlantis returning, you name it.”
“We’re gonna lose the satellite cameras, though, right?”
“Nope, not ours. I did advise you to put the latest remote-control thrusters on it, didn’t I? It can manoeuvre independently of orbit. I mean, sure, that gravity shift is definitely going to clear your orbital space of all that horrid debris your species has been littering it with, so everyone else’s communications will go down. But we’ll be fine. But the rest of humanity, however many survivors there are, hmm, maybe more than we think, perhaps, I don’t know, anyway, everyone else will be segregated. There won’t be any hierarchies in those bunkers. Or in the aftermath. Everyone living in their own communities, having to look out for each other to survive. Just like they used to.”
“Without money.”
“Or politics.”
“Or war.”
“Or commodities market fluctuations.”
“Sharing all their surplus value.”
“Sounds idyllic.”
“It sounds pinko commie, is what it sounds like to me.”
“You, Nathan, are a total killjoy. Do you know that?”
*Shrugs*
Twenty seconds to impact…
“What’s going to happen to Elysium?”
*Shrugs*
Ten seconds to impact…
“I just have one question.”
“What’s that, Nathan?”
“What’s going to happen to Ceres?”
“Well, it’s just gonna smash into smithereens, isn’t it?”
“Erm, yeah. But, well, like, what’s going to happen to the smithereens?”
“Erm. Oh.” Giggles. Nervous giggles. “Oh dear… I forgot about that. How about we go to Plan C?”
“Sure, Plan C. Sounds good to me. I’ll go with that. Nathan? Plan C?”
“Er, yeah. I’m good with Plan C. That works for me.”
“Great. Plan C it is. Well, seeing as it’s the end of the world and all that, anyone fancy some R.E.M…?”
.
.
.
Fade out..?
END CREDITS MUSIC!!!
Produced and Directed by Katrina Meyer
Written by Unofficial Katy
Starring Unofficial Katy as, well, Unofficial Katy (or we could just go with Gillian Anderson)
With… Caligula Jones as Himself
Nathan as Himself
Joltin’ Joe Biden as The President
Alex Jones as Himself
Larry & Ruby as the vivacious couple
Jane as Glamorous Airhead News Anchoress
Maisie as Sexy Weathergirl
David Duchovny as Secret Service Dude
Musk, Bezos, and Branson as The Three Stooges of Elysium
And introducing Nathan’s Mom as Nathan’s Mom.
Soundtrack available on PAWS Records, Ltd.
The makers of this movie would like to thank Mark Zuckerberg for the generous use of his autonomous island and its humongous underground superbunker. We did ask Bill Gates, but he denied everything.
No animals were harmed during the making of this movie. Honest.
Unofficial Katy will return!
…And when she returns, for Katy Gone to Mars, there will a link be also.
If you enjoyed this movie, please show your generous appreciation with a like, comment, or share. And do please remember to take your seabird wrappings with you as you exit the theatre.
Have a nice day!
😄 smashing...but also sadly over.🥺
This is hopefully going somewhere else...? hmmm? was looking forward to the episodes...
Yow! Unofficial Katy is the unofficial ruler of the world! And how fun to discover that the anonymous vivacious couple were our old friends, Larry and Ruby! 😀