My Psych Profile #1 - Intro

Other Specified Dissociative Disorder

I have just spent a significant part of today writing a long thing about me and my psych profile. It’s quite offbeat, and a little quirky at times, but also serious and yes, full of digressions that aren’t really digressions.

It was around 2,800 words when I’d sort of finished. Then I did some re-reading/editing stuff and kept on adding bits and now it’s 4,500 words.

It’s not that this is too long, because there is a lot of good stuff in there and it does flow. I mean there’s a logical progression to it despite the different voices wanting to say their bit.

This is something I have been wanting to do for a while now, because it’s important to us. But the last, I don’t know, two hours or something has been me having a conversation with one of my other emotional parts who doesn’t want me to post it. I can understand this. She’s the one who wants us to just be Obedient all the time, behave, and not say anything that might get us into trouble. But she does understand how unfair that is.

So now I have been able to persuade her to let me do this little intro thing instead, and for her to say something like ‘ok, we can post it but it needs a lot more editing because all your additions have made it incoherent.’

My additions?

‘Yes, yours.’

Well, I don’t know about that. I’m not the only one making additions and digressions here.

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Anyway, what I thought I would do, because it is really, really important to some of my others, to the point of urgency, is do a kind of compromise, and at least get this little intro out there. That way, all you lovely subscribers will at least have received something and you’ll have been informed. That’s what they’re concerned about – you have to know now. Like today. And they are not going to let me rest if I don’t. And for the record I’m on their side on this one.

One thing, though, which is true and somewhat positive about this little compromise is that people are more likely to read little posts. 4,500 words that’s a bit involved, isn’t it? Ironically – and this thoughtform genuinely provoked laughing out loud – I’m going to have to split it up into parts. Which, even more ironically, provokes Little Miss Mischief into telling me that ‘oh, well in that case we can add as much as we like! ‘Cos you can just split it up into three parts can’t you?’

Well, yeah, except the thing I wrote earlier was supposed to be part one. Not parts two, three, and four.

She is smirking.

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Sorry, what this little series which I’m calling ‘My Psych Profile’ is about is, well, that. But it’s also about a lot more than me. Us, whatever. I know that a lot of people must be wondering what kind of condition I actually have because they will definitely have noticed things. Some might put this down to me being Little Miss Eclectic of course. But it’s a bit more than that. So this is where some people are going to think I have multiple personalities. Well, it’s not that simple (that provoked another laugh). I did (shut up) want to write a lot about dissociation, what causes it, how I fit into this, and so on. And as you can imagine there’s a lot to write about there.

It also helps with my self-therapy and reparenting and so on.

So now a part of me wants to start a long rambling explanation about dissociative disorders but we’re not going to do that here. I will say, though, that some psychologists, or so I hear, have conceived of a kind of scale with these sorts of conditions. Hold on, there’s a link. Here it is. This is the so-called ‘Theory of structural dissociation of the personality’ or TSDP, which is ‘trauma-related structural dissociation of the personality’. This sort of makes sense to me.

So if I am reading this correctly, there are kind of three levels to dissociative conditions, measured as a rule by the degree of complexity or distinctiveness of the alters (and also whether and how much amnesia is present). So level one is PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder, which you will have surely heard of), then there’s the second level, which is BPD (borderline personality disorder), cPTSD (complex PTSD) and OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder), Then full-on DID (dissociative identity disorder – what used to be called MPD or multiple personality disorder) is at level three.

So just to clear things up, for those who were wondering, I do not have full-on Multiple Personality. If I was applying the diagnostic criteria to seven-year-old me, though, I would definitely diagnose us with MPD. Ironically the term MPD as a diagnosis was originated in 1980, when I was indeed seven. I like coincidences.

Now, though, if I apply the criteria, I currently have a level two condition if we are taking this scale. I’m not sure I agree, however, with lumping BPD and cPTSD together on the same level as OSDD. See if I was to diagnose myself I would give me a clear OSDD diagnosis. I would also say that when I was a child I had full-on DID (I’ll talk about that later), but as I went through my (early) teenage years my alters sort of ‘fused’ or ‘reintegrated’ sort of thing. So they were no longer full-on separate, or separated, identities. They are still here, though. But their behaviour towards me is different, because ‘once the danger was passed’ (i.e. we were no longer in the abusive Institution we were in from aged 7-13, of which I myself have no memory, other than the little flashes they’ve given me) they could retreat and let me out again to attempt to have a life. So I have, well, a whole six years of amnesia there. Yes, of course I shall have to elaborate on all this.

So although I do have distinct personality states, as it were, I do not experience missing time, or memory blank spots when an alter takes executive control (‘taking over the body’). There is a consistency of conscious awareness on my part. So it’s as if there’s a kind of temporary fusing going on. This is what fits with OSDD. Yes, there’s a lot of understandable cPTSD elements, for sure, but it’s a little more than that.

Anyway, over the course of today I have had a bit of an insight, which is that these three levels could, perhaps, also describe one possible pathway or progression of the condition known as DID. That’s to say, ‘down the levels’. And that this is achieved through the reintegration/fusion process. This would mean I am sort of halfway there, if you see what I mean.

Another insight I had was that the progression or outcome depends entirely on whether or not you have therapy, and what kind of therapy you have. In my case I have never been properly diagnosed, let alone therapied (there’s a story in that too which I have lined up in my head to write). So you can learn to live with your little Family or System, on the one paw (this is called Healthy Multiplicity), and on the other paw, there’s the reintegration option (which is damn cool name for a band – I’m thinking a fusion of post-punk and the Cure, with a lot of Interpol thrown in for good measure – sorry; Pixies too. Shush!).

Well, don’t worry, I’m not going to ramble on about this now because I’m nearly on a thousand words and I never intended to do that and don’t blame me.

So I am going to attempt – with a sheer act of will and determination – to come to the end of this intro. I propose to spend the next week persuading a certain emotional part that it’s ok to post these sorts of posts and not get into trouble or get shouted at or anything. Aside from anything else, if we repress ourselves then the monsters win and we can’t fucking have that, can we?

Can we?

?

‘No.’

Yeah. That’s more like it!

‘But we’re going to edit it.’

Sure. We’ll edit it.

I know there was something else I was supposed to say, but it’s not there anymore. Mischievously, it will probably be popped back in my mind the moment I’ve posted this.

Pestering and mischief is almost a constant here.

Ah – yeah, it’s because as a survivor of serious child abuse I feel it’s incumbent on me to write about it and highlight the issue. Because it needs to be. My alters want me to do it, although one of them is scared about it, like she mentioned just now. But we are going to be brave.

Besides, there’s a reason this section is called Alters and it’s about time it lived up to its name.

But I never had a proper loving family and I wish I could have had one. So I don’t want any further reintegration, thank you very much. I would like a Family. Where we could all look after each other. I would like healthy multiplicity.

So you can come out again now. This is our safehouse.

One at a time! One at a time!

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In the meantime (I am sort of thinking this will be a weekly thing, but you know me and my erratic nature) I found a really good website about all this stuff, and if you wanted to do some homework prior to reading my next assignment then this page about alters and dissociative disorders is really good.

But all I will say for now is that I have come to get Little Miss Annoyed when these psychologists tag Dissociative Identity with the word ‘Disorder’.

It’s not a disorder, it’s a strategy!

I’ll leave you with that intriguing remark.

I’ve got to about 1600 words, so that’s not too long.

No, you’ll have to wait till next time!

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